Sunday, October 9, 2016

Ek चु- ड़ैल Ki Daastan

People watch horror movies to get scared but NEVER will they watch a Hindi horror movie. The only guys who get scared watching those movies are the ones who play the ghost. Scared for their future and scarred for life. As an actor it must be demotivating to play a चु- ड़ैल – while your role demands you look scary and make people shit in their pants, all it does to the audience is ‘LOL’ and ‘ROFL’.
And why not? Have you seen the kind of चु- ड़ैलs we have in our movies?

 Haweli Ki चु- ड़ैल
Your haweli ki चु- ड़ैल is a super introvert. She prefers living alone, hates visitors and plots to kill them even when they mean no harm. I just realized I described myself. She is a materialistic bitch who doesn’t want to give up the house even after dying. While a fossil named Ramu Kaka takes care of the house she has nothing to contribute. Wonder what a night in life of this चु- ड़ैल would be. Wake up at night, light the candle (because all women want attention? ) and roam around the haweli. When you visit her haweli on a thunderous stormy night she will want your khoon.  So she will sing you a song that disturbs you and then kill you. That is exactly what Himesh Reshammiya does.
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 2.5 stars

·     Sexually frustrated चु- ड़ैल
This one died when Thakur killed her on the day of her wedding. She can’t stand the sight of love and lovemaking. This orgasm deprived चु- ड़ैल is the CCTV camera you can’t find. While you are on your ‘mission’ she stands beside you while you can’t even see her! Every time a guy makes an advance on his girl she will throw a paranormal tantrum which will reduce the overall libido levels of the area. Invariably one day Thakur’s son will end up with his gf in this चु- ड़ैल’s abode. How and why? I don’t know. Why doesn’t she go to Thakur and take revenge? I don’t know. Why did Brad and Angelina split? I don’t know.
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 2 stars             

·     Backpack चु- ड़ैल
The adventure freak, adrenaline junkie, you meet her on the roads hitchhiking. She will be your best company ever as you climb the mountains and dive in the sea and then …..she will attempt your murder. Sounds like your girlfriend? While all other चु- ड़ैलs have a purpose (revenge, privacy issues, etc.) she is like the Num Lock button on the keyboard.
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 1.5 stars

·     The anti-infidelity चु- ड़ैल
She is my favorite. KLPD specialist, she will find you and shatter all your fantasies. A fierce social worker, she acts and of course looks like the woman of your dreams.  She is the Pravessh Rana of the Bhoot world who plants stings on committed men. They see her, they fall for her beauty and then she takes them to a lonely place.  And when the guy is sure about his dream cuming true she will appear in her real चु- ड़ैल avatar. (So Kejru!)
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 4 stars

If you don’t know, there are many चु- ड़ैल centric movies on YouTube that trace the lifespan and objective of a चु- ड़ैल :
-          चु- ड़ैल ki Shaadi
-          चु- ड़ैल ka Badla
-          चु- ड़ैल ka Khatma
-          Qatil चु- ड़ैल
-          Pyasi चु- ड़ैल

(Thank me later!)

These days in movies there are only possessive women who get possessed by another pyasi aatma, (replace woman with man in case of Bipasha Basu). The Bhatts are too busy planning PFs for Emran Hashmi and Ramu is busy tweeting about his menopause. 

Ending this post with a Nazm.

She sends you chills but you prefer a beer,
And that probably is her greatest fear

*mandatory applause follows*

1 comment:

  1. I look forward to your writing. I wish I could write like you!