Sunday, October 9, 2016

Ek चु- ड़ैल Ki Daastan

People watch horror movies to get scared but NEVER will they watch a Hindi horror movie. The only guys who get scared watching those movies are the ones who play the ghost. Scared for their future and scarred for life. As an actor it must be demotivating to play a चु- ड़ैल – while your role demands you look scary and make people shit in their pants, all it does to the audience is ‘LOL’ and ‘ROFL’.
And why not? Have you seen the kind of चु- ड़ैलs we have in our movies?

 Haweli Ki चु- ड़ैल
Your haweli ki चु- ड़ैल is a super introvert. She prefers living alone, hates visitors and plots to kill them even when they mean no harm. I just realized I described myself. She is a materialistic bitch who doesn’t want to give up the house even after dying. While a fossil named Ramu Kaka takes care of the house she has nothing to contribute. Wonder what a night in life of this चु- ड़ैल would be. Wake up at night, light the candle (because all women want attention? ) and roam around the haweli. When you visit her haweli on a thunderous stormy night she will want your khoon.  So she will sing you a song that disturbs you and then kill you. That is exactly what Himesh Reshammiya does.
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 2.5 stars

·     Sexually frustrated चु- ड़ैल
This one died when Thakur killed her on the day of her wedding. She can’t stand the sight of love and lovemaking. This orgasm deprived चु- ड़ैल is the CCTV camera you can’t find. While you are on your ‘mission’ she stands beside you while you can’t even see her! Every time a guy makes an advance on his girl she will throw a paranormal tantrum which will reduce the overall libido levels of the area. Invariably one day Thakur’s son will end up with his gf in this चु- ड़ैल’s abode. How and why? I don’t know. Why doesn’t she go to Thakur and take revenge? I don’t know. Why did Brad and Angelina split? I don’t know.
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 2 stars             

·     Backpack चु- ड़ैल
The adventure freak, adrenaline junkie, you meet her on the roads hitchhiking. She will be your best company ever as you climb the mountains and dive in the sea and then …..she will attempt your murder. Sounds like your girlfriend? While all other चु- ड़ैलs have a purpose (revenge, privacy issues, etc.) she is like the Num Lock button on the keyboard.
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 1.5 stars

·     The anti-infidelity चु- ड़ैल
She is my favorite. KLPD specialist, she will find you and shatter all your fantasies. A fierce social worker, she acts and of course looks like the woman of your dreams.  She is the Pravessh Rana of the Bhoot world who plants stings on committed men. They see her, they fall for her beauty and then she takes them to a lonely place.  And when the guy is sure about his dream cuming true she will appear in her real चु- ड़ैल avatar. (So Kejru!)
o   चु- ड़ैल rating – 4 stars

If you don’t know, there are many चु- ड़ैल centric movies on YouTube that trace the lifespan and objective of a चु- ड़ैल :
-          चु- ड़ैल ki Shaadi
-          चु- ड़ैल ka Badla
-          चु- ड़ैल ka Khatma
-          Qatil चु- ड़ैल
-          Pyasi चु- ड़ैल

(Thank me later!)

These days in movies there are only possessive women who get possessed by another pyasi aatma, (replace woman with man in case of Bipasha Basu). The Bhatts are too busy planning PFs for Emran Hashmi and Ramu is busy tweeting about his menopause. 

Ending this post with a Nazm.

She sends you chills but you prefer a beer,
And that probably is her greatest fear

*mandatory applause follows*

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Teri Ma Ka… Commercialisation

She sobbed continuously as tears rolled down her eyes.  She found comfort in her partner who held her tightly in his arms. Everyone else just looked at them solemnly. Silence echoed.

And there I was on my couch staring at the TV screen and wondering, “Kya Chutiyapa Hai!”

In all the reality TV shows you will invariably have THAT ONE MOMENT dedicated to the mother of a contestant where he/she weeps, the judges weep and the audience weeps because it is so fake. Mothers, ma or amma are another TRP tool.  If a Mother India can get gods to reincarnate her kids why can’t she get channels high ratings?

I was watching one of these top rated dance shows where post the dedicated performance an embarrassed mother just sat there hoping that the camera will not capture the awkwardness. The production house smartly dresses up the “ma” in a simple saaree or salwar kameez to give authenticity to ‘Struggle wale contestant ki struggle wali ma’ portrayal.  Then to add to her embarrassment she is called on the main floor to blurt out lines like “meri beti ek din boht badi star banegi. Mera aashirwaad iske saath hai”. The rest of the contestants think “are jao aunty sabko pata hai badi star wala material hoti toh yaha nai hoti.” Then the host comes up with a silly one-liner to lighten the mood which actually signals iodex malo, kaam pe chalo.

Talking about parents never goes wrong. There is an unexplainable bond between a child and parents and everyone on the planet relates to that form of love. The marketing experts use it for their advantage to sell content, sell brands (Mother’s Day) and sell movies (Par andhere se darta hu main Maa). It is a sure shot way of gaining sympathy.

I too have sinned. I cried at the amateurish lyrics penned down by the renowned Prasoon Joshi for Taare Zameen Par.

Consider this.

Jab Bhi Kabhi Papa Mujhe Jo Zor Se Jhoola Jhulate Hain Maa, Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe Sochu Yahi Tu Aa Ke Thaamegi Maa.

Beta Papa ko bol do dheere jhula jhulaye !

Nobody wants to talk about dad’s contribution to the childhood. Just because Indian dads are supposed to be ‘strong’ doesn’t mean they don’t get sentimental right? Poor dads, they do not even get as much screen time as the mom even when they are present at the shoot.

It isn’t really the fault of the highly paid channel creative consultant who comes up with this ‘unique’ idea of introducing ma ka angle . Indian mothers do have a tendency of being overtly involved with their kids…  even the 35 year old kid. It isn’t unusual to see an Indian mother tell her 35 year old child (who himself has two kids) “haaye kitna dubla ho gaya hai”, “haaye kaise khayaal rakhega”, “haaaye main roti bana du”, “chai piyega?”. Why cannot these mothers train them to do things on their own? It is good to love your kids but it is better to raise mature, responsible adults whom we lack in this country and how! This would also ensure less emotional drama in personal life and also on the television which anyway has enough blouses getting tighter than the scripts.

Here is an idea all you creative guys and gals working for TV and brands. We have the caring mother, the strong mother, the emotional mother, the struggling mother and we are so done with it. Why not have a Badass Mother? Who takes no shit and does no shit. Afterall Kab tak Ma ki mamta ki ma ki aankh karoge?

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Life in a Day - 1

She looks for a place for herself,
Far enough to not be noticed, close enough to be part of the murmur around her
She quietly settles down, checks the time on her watch which she usually doesn't wear
15 min to go
People turn muse for her thoughts
Amongst juvenile conversations, random chit chats, start up dreams and engulfed readers her eyes are caught by tears
Tension, fear, abandonment, loss, frustration
It seemed like the end of a book whose pages are torn
In her reflection on the glass she glanced at herself and makes her hair fall on her right shoulder
She checks her phone but the words were dazed, her mind wandering over the unknown
She resists from touching her face, her discomfort is noticeable
5 min to go
Remembers the conversations and smiles to herself
Anticipation, excitement, hope
The woman across the table is heard saying "sorry"
She looks up and their eyes meet. The moment comforts her, she smiles and responds  "hi"

- just another day at a coffee shop across the road

Saturday, November 8, 2014

100% Satisfaction Guaranteed !

Sex sells. With no new hits on my blog and fading popularity (from 0.4/5  to 0.2 now)  I have decided to write about it. And why not, it could give a new lease of life to Vidya Balan’s career, got Shiney Ahuja lifetime achievement award, Poonam Boob Pandey has become an internet sensation just by stripping at all possible places  and for the first time all news publications including Times of India wrote about Times of India. (Ooops , I am yet to take my PF money from them).

Sex has been an underlying proposition of numerous brands which we come across day and night.  There are contraceptive companies that manage to get on board the Bollywood celebs like Ranveer Singh and Sunny Leone, buy space in premier publications, prime time on-air FCP, and have over the counter placement in retail. Then there are some genuinely talented guys who want to help the “needy”  find pleasure but sex being a taboo they are perceived as hawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ji shame shame!

Baba Bangalis have been my favourite “Mr. Do It All”. They can help you with anything under the sun- “Filmon mein asafalta, grehklesh, saas se chutkara, kutte ko na kaat paana,  and stambhan dosh or erectile dysfunction. Clearly what science can’t do they can do it. It is possible that when Narendra Modi said Ganesha’s head is attached to a human body it wasn’t because of plastic surgery’s knowledge in ancient India, he was referring to this sacred knowledge of Baba Bangalis.

Here goes a jingle for them if ever they get enough budgets for advertising spends:

Unhorny ko horny kar de, horny ko aur horny
Ek jagah sab jama ho teeno, taaveez , goli aur baba bangaaaleeeeeeeeeee

While they operate in clandestine manner, there are other tech-savvy sex drive specialists who have made optimum use of online media. Don’t believe me , check your spam box in your mail. Mails with subject lines: Make your girl scream tonight, Big is Better etc. (hilarious, is there anyway I can work for them! ). The thing is I already have the power to make the girls scream, most scream at my fashion sense, my hairstyle, it shocks them enough, I don’t need the pills. Also, because I don’t have a dick, dickhead.

If you are a nocturnal creature there are chances you would have stumbled upon Payal Rohatgi promoting ‘Product of the Year’,  Shakti Praash.  The show should have been named Adult Comedy Nights with Payal Rohatgi.  She warns you with an accent- ägar aapki patni aapse saantusht nahi hai toh aapka vaivahik jeevan khuraab ho jaega (ok).  Wonder what will happen to her vaivahik jeevan after this! Of course it is not her fault, maybe the dialogue writer had tried a spoonful of Shakti Praash before reporting to work.  Some chosen dialogues have the honour of being a part of this blog:

  • -          Mere husband dekhne mein boht hi lambe aur chaude hain, shaadi se pehle main unhe dekha toh mujhe laga ki mere pati mujhe har prakaar se khush rahenge .. lekin,, shaadi ke baad khoda pahaad nikli chuhiya waali khahawat jaise unpe sach hi ho gayi thi .. (lmao)

  • -          (50 year old husband) Shakti Praash ke sevan se meri jawani wapas aa gayi hai  (looks at his wife and says cheesily ) kyu ji thik keh raha hu na?.. aaj kal hum daily honeymoon manate hain!!   (tharki Buddha)

Please spare some time from your busy lives to watch this show starring these stalwarts.

Aap sex ke peeche, libido aapke peeche.. too much fun!

There is no concrete study available on the size of Ayurvedic industry and its registered practitioners. Moreover Ayurveda can fall easily into Grandmom’s secrets for beauty to medicines that cure fatal diseases. How does then one tap these shady companies that are proliferating in the name of Ayurveda and selling illegally. It would be wise to consider how much money therefore goes unaccounted for.

However, Shakti Praash did get me contemplating on one aspect. In marriages (especially arranged) how do people get to know about their partner’s Shakti? It is so ‘impotent’ to know that about your partner, no? Let me know in the comments below. No, actually I don’t want to know your creepy stories! 

Friday, August 29, 2014

Being Baniya

If you are in 20s and staying on rent and that too beyond Andheri towards Borvali, your life is supposedly sad. Mine is, I stay at Malad which is predominantly inhabited by Gujratris and Marwaris.  However for someone who is constantly observing the relationship between a marketer and consumer, this place is a delight.  

I know Marathi Manus is upset with the fact that they are being sidelined in their own state but basis the difference between the way a Gujarati and a Marathi handle a customer, you would prefer the former any day.  Infact if Philip Kotler had to train a Marathi businessman he would be forced to change his name to Philip Kotlerkar first and then awkwardly defend his marketing fundas that the world gladly accepted.

So what happens when you visit a General Store run by a Marathi?

Me: Ek bread dena ..
Shopkeeper: ignores
Me: Ek bread dena
Shopkeeper:  looks at you as if you asked for his daughter’s hand.  (ignores again)
Me: hai ya nahi? Deni hai nahi deni
Shopkeeper: Nahi hai.. wait karna hai toh karo nahi toh jao (followed by aaila maila taila and such phrases that are dear to them)

Cut to a Gujarati/Marwari  general store where the shopkeeper will be so concerned that you will look for a tattoo on his arm which same as yours wondering if this guy is your lost brother.

Shopkeeper: kai du?
Me: ek bread chahiye
Shopkeeper:  Ae chotu ek bread de fatafat. Aur kya loge .. Maggie, aata, doodh, thepla, kuch?
Me: Nahi, thank you abhi nahi.
Shopkeeper: number le jao shop ka, order kar dena, bhijwa denge saaman

(Chotu gets bread loaf in 9 seconds. I leave the shop in approx. 30 seconds)

Wonder what gives rise to such a different  attitude towards customers for two different communities that have the same operating environment and business objective.  While external factors remain the same it must be intrinsic to the cultural values that have been transferred to the individual.

Now extend this example to a macro environment, the organized retail and the malls. These are typically the markets where lot of research has gone into from designing the brand to placement of the products, from price point purchases to creating a favorable in-store environment.  Walmart , Target, Big Bazaar, Hypercity have all been continuously working towards delivering customer satisfaction.  

So who owns these chains/malls  in Mumbai predominantly?

·         Big Bazaar -  Kishore Biyani (Marwari)
·         D- Mart- R K Damani (Gujarati)
·         Infinity Mall, Inorbit Mall, Shoppers Stop-  Raheja (Sindhi)
·         Kalpatru Group – Korum- Mofatraj Munot (Baniya)
·         R-City Mall- Subhash Runwal (Marwari Jain)
·         Phoenix Mills -  Ashokkumar Radhakrishna Ruia (Baniya)

The financially intelligent have always invested in real estate. The returns in real estate in a booming economy are huge. Why is it that in Mumbai the best commercial properties are owned by a specific community? Is it a nexus? Is it that others do not possess strong business acumen?  Or is it just the risk involved in pushing the comfort levels?  An interesting article on the peculiar pedigree of business class here will give you an insight on which community is amongst World’s Richest Individuals.

It is from observation that those who are born in a business community develop business acumen as part of their upbringing. A Gujarati and a Mawari spend money differently from the other communities.  They are trained to become businessmen rather than excellent workers. On the other hand if you see Marathi community makes an excellent workforce.  However if you leave them with an investment amount, they wouldn’t know where to head start.

With an education system like ours where we are trained to become rats would it make a difference if our system starts focusing on Financial IQ as well? Why is it that we are not taught in schools the value of money and investments? We aim for higher salaries and designations, why don’t we aim towards entrepreneurship? The idea of entrepreneurship is completely looked down upon even today. A child who would hope to be an entrepreneur would be termed as “useless”.  Most of us go for an MBA to get a match forget starting a new business.

So how does one break this attitudinal cycle and rigid perceptions if strong cultural notions that have lingered from generations are hampering their growth? Worst case, they are not even willing to acknowledge that there is a problem which is affecting their business.  Also does this also mean that till the time the attitudes don’t change, the power of money will belong to a specific community because they understand how it flows?

I would not want to generalize communities due to the vastness of it; however based on experience and observations of many people such inferences have been made. It would be great if you have any experience or a different point of view on this, you can write in the comments below.  

In the meantime someone please tell my Marathi shopkeeper, risk toh Spiderman ko bhi lena padta hai, tum toh phir bhi salesman ho.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

“Bhaiya Andheri East chaloge?”

Some topics don’t need an introduction.  All of us know what happens next after you make an earnest request to the autowaalas to drop you at your destination.  (Disclaimer: All includes those who have Mamtamai Shri Radhe Guru Maa’s blessing because of which we experience pain and strength to get over it. Please pray touching her photo below she will bless you with her superpowers)

Usually when I am looking for an auto I am snubbed off by the rickshaw drivers. Yes, even they snub me. At the instance of hearing the destination Uday Chopra’s body double’s spirit from guesses!.. Dhoom!...  possess him and he flies away at 100km/hr.

On one such eventful day I was desperately looking for an auto because I was.. again no guesses!... getting late for office J After being refused by 225 auto rickshaws and engaging myself in verbal spat with 224 of them ranging from “Toh kya Dubai jaoge”  to “BC, BMW kharid ke chala le” I decided I would just sit in one and force him to drop me.

So post invoking every bit of Naari Shakti in me I forcefully got into one auto rickshaw and to no one’s surprise he refused. I started with requesting him but in vain. I still refused to get down from his auto wasting another 10 minutes. When everything failed I threatened him that if he doesn’t “obey my orders” I will file a complaint with the traffic police. He replied, “here is my auto number, please do it”.

Thanks to technological advancements and therefore smartphone, I scavenged the complaint number. Launched by Shri Anna Hazare(Team Anna Hazare)  this number came to my rescue-  98690 89898 which I found here.  Have you seen a dog when he sees food, those rays of hope in his eyes? …with such emotions I dialed that number thinking this will be a new revolution in Auto Corruption Hatao Aandolan. However, just like Anna Hazare this number also didn’t work. There was also an SMS support which I made use of and that SMS request is yet to reach Team Anti Corruption.

Phew! But main haar mane waalon mein se nahi hun, I said to myself. In the meantime the autowaala had gutkha, enjoyed Bhojpuri songs, gave me hopeless looks etc.
I was sure that there was another RTO number, helpline. I had watched its commercial in a movie theatre. The commercial goes something like this …a girl finds herself in a dark abandoned area that is when she realizes she is being followed by goons. She panics and starts sprinting towards the main road while dialing a number from her phone. The goons are about to catch her but just like it happens in the movies a police car shows up and goons run for their lives. Well, the ad campaign works but the number didn’t.  If I was in a situation like that girl in the ad campaign I would have asked the goons to help me bash up the idiots who started this helpline. On a serious note, I really hope such instances do not happen during an emergency.

Anyway, coming to my agony... there are no words to express how helpless I was in that situation where nothing seemed to work. Honestly, more than helpless I felt foolish and I know the auto guy too was thinking the same about me.

Alas I had to do what I didn’t want to. I dialed 100.The reason why I didn’t want to dial this number is because we know how police is and how things go from worse to worst when they show up for futile matters like these. “Please check the number you have dialed” came the response. “Are you serious”? , I fell from the seat.  After regaining my consciousness I sat their thinking what if this guy had stabbed me with a knife and if in that bloody moment I had heard ‘Please check the number you have dialed’ on a 100 line I would died. Died by laughing at myself, not because of the wound.

In the end the auto guy took pity on me (or maybe he got flustered) and got me another auto who unwillingly agreed.  I jumped into it thinking I was victorious in the auto battle. To change my mood to get back my sanity I put on my headphones and listened to 93.5fm that was playing apna kaam bantaa, bhaad mein jaaye janta. 

Friday, September 6, 2013

An employee's guide to healthy living

Hi There! 

When you are in Mumbai, time just flies away. As Shri Salman Khan says “yeh bhaag daud bhari zindagi, thakna mana hai”, it is true that achievement comes with achieving a healthy lifestyle. It gives me a great pleasure to share with you my secret towards healthy living and spirituality. If you follow these steps regularly on weekday mornings you will see yourself transforming into a successful person you aspire to be.

1.      Wake Up Late
Immediate adrenaline rush in the body prepares you for the tasks ahead

2.      Skip Breakfast
Now now, do I really need to tell you the importance of dieting! 

3.      Forget to check geyser and door lock when you leave for work
By the time you remember you will be far from the house and you will need to push yourself to go back home. A great cardio as it increases your heart rate and also the stamina

4.      Run to Catch the Train
Running is great to achieve that perfect shape. Especially when you need to dodge 2 people every 1 second it is good for concentration and focus

5.      Take a Break (sip water. Prepare yourself for the arrival of the train)

6.      On your Mark, Get Set 

Strategically position yourself at a spot where there is a good chance of being pushed by the crowd that is alighting from the train and also the crowd that is preparing to get in. Here, due to laws of physics (ahem!) your body will try to defend itself which will use all the muscles of your body.  Body toning!

7.      Reach Out!
The chances of following above are that now you will find yourself in a position where your leg will be stretched out and caught between people. You need to push yourself ahead holding the handle bars with one hand. This will stretch your arms, oblique and calves. Repeat with the other leg.

8.      Meditate
Meditation increases concentration. But when we do it here our focus is to not focus on the pain that is our body experiences. You could think of all the pending tasks in office, food, reflect on your life as to what is making you bear this moment, In case all this fails, indulge yourself in a verbal abuse with a fellow stranger and in the process learn voice modulation techniques.

9.      Learn to lose control
When it is time to get down, do not force your body to go forward. Lose yourself and wait for push you out of the train as you relax and breathe deeply. If you are lucky and getting down at Dadar, chances are you will be pushed by the Act of God till the exit of the station while you finish your breathing exercises.

10.  Lower the intensity
As we near the end of the workout we walk fast towards the office. We don’t run because if we run we look like an idiot. So we walk fast, stretching leg muscles. As we look at the watch in every 1/4th of second do remember to ignore the cars honking and green signals in case you also wish to become a risk taker. 

11.  Be Happy!
So finally you reach office. But what use does external beauty have if you are not happy from within? So as soon as you take your seat fake a beautiful smile and when your boss arrives flash it on him/her “as if nothing happened”.  Remember to not fake a broad smile because you actually forgot to brush your teeth! 

12.  Spiritual Union
Practice these steps everyday to increase fatigue in body. It will help you in getting dissatisfied with work leading to loss of motivation. As a result you will lose your material gains and achieve a state of ‘moksha’. 

Hari Om!

Don’t forget to thank me when you start noticing the amazing results of this regime. J
(Disclaimer: Is kahani ke sabhi patra kalpanik nahi hai)